That darkness inside of us

There is darkness in each of us and there’s no denying it. At times we can control it but on days that we cannot, all hell breaks loose. Mean words are spoken and negative actions are made; regret and apologies then follow.

But what is it about us that makes us lash out and allow our anger gets the best of us? Is it because it’s in our nature as human beings? Is it because it is genetically embedded in our system? Is it a learned behavior? According to an article called Psychology Today,

Anger is a corrosive emotion that can run off with your mental and physical health.

The Hulk isn’t a real person but the emotion and rage he has in him whenever he transforms into his green self-are very real. That moment when you’re about to explode; that moment when you just want to destroy everything.

I now accept anger and rage. I accept this flaw because it’s who I am and I’m not perfect. What’s hard to swallow is the regret I feel after everything. I feel ashamed for having acted a certain way and feel sorry for the people I’ve affected. It’s even harder to swallow when people hate you even more for it. After regretting, feeling ashamed, and sorry comes the hardest part of all; acceptance. Owning up to your actions is tough and there’s no way around it but get through it.

If only I can turn back the hands of time to stop my demons. We all know this is impossible. All I can do from here on out is to learn from my mistakes and walk away to avoid stressful situations.

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Giving yourself

Telling someone your darkest secrets changes their perception of you. I never knew this until I confided in my uncle who at the time was living in Saudi Arabia.

You are probably asking, out of all the family members you’ve got, you told your uncle? who is a man? Surely you could have found someone else, someone who will understand like a female relative. You see, my uncle Henry was the perfect person to tell my secret because for one thing, he lived far and no matter what his opinions are, I would never have to hear it come out of his mouth. Through a series of letters maybe, no pressure. Secondly, I knew him to be this loving, caring man whom I thought would sympathize with my situation and would support me unconditionally no matter what. Lastly, he has been living abroad ever since I could remember and as a fourteen-year-old girl I thought it was a brilliant idea to get to know him better through a series of letters or emails. Yes, I expected letters or at least one response. I never got one.

It wasn’t until he came home to his family years later and when we saw each other that I realized that he is just one of many relatives I have who judges me and looks at me with great disgust. We hugged, smiled, and nothing more. He entertained everyone but never asked me once about that letter I sent him. Sure, he must have forgotten, but I can’t help but ask myself, how could he forget about a letter from me saying I like both men and women?¬†I was crushed. I watched him from the distance as he smiled and laughed with family and friends. I stood by the door with my heart shattered. At first I couldn’t fathom what just happened. That first night he was back I thought I would give him a day or two to settle down, see his long time friends, let him relax and have him feel completely at home. Unfortunately, days turned into weeks and before I knew it, it was time for him to go back abroad.

How naive of me! My expectations crumpled. Hope all lost. Disgusted with myself for being what I am. Hated myself for being so stupid to tell a secret like that. I realized that my uncle is a stranger whom I see every other year and barely speak to. Being in this awkward situation has made me grow up, value self-respect, relationships, and most of all, has made me stand up for myself when no one gave a shit.

I guess this is why people build walls around themselves to prevent heartache and disappointments. Having family with deep cultural values and religious beliefs is very tough to share shit with specially when your beliefs doesn’t coincides with theirs. To this day I haven’t told any of my family members. I came to a realization that not everyone needs to know. Only those who stuck around long enough to deserve my true self. My siblings know I’m sure, but we definitely don’t speak about it.

The struggle is real

We’re all connected in so many ways if not by blood then definitely through our daily struggles, our fears, and anxieties. Today I watched a friend struggle with her eating disorder. While I thought this issue is more on the physical, I later found that its more than just the appearance. One’s way of thinking plays a huge part in this illness. I spent a week with this friend and even though we’ve discussed what’s expected to happen, I still found myself in disbelief for the friend I knew to be fun, loving, free spirited, positive person is curling up next to the toilet-crying! I asked her “how can I help?” Rather than asking her “are you okay?” Because right when I saw her I knew right then and there that she’s not okay and that she not only needs my help to get cleaned up, but most importantly to get professional help.

Just when I thought I’m in the worst situation in my life and I find out someone else is struggling with something even far worse than I do. We all have some kind of pain, daily fears whether it’s a small thing, a big thing; it’s there. Hindering us from living. Just over two weeks a go I had suicidal thoughts. I tried literally looking for ways to end my life and the only thing I saw before taking a whole bunch of pills, before drinking bleach, before cutting my wrists, before driving my car into the cliff, is the faces of my nephews. I asked myself, “why?” And all I could do is cry because I don’t have an answer. I want those two boys to remember me as that fun, loving aunt who took them places. Not that suicidal aunt who was depressed.

My friend and I are relying on family and friends. We have a long way to go.

A terrible thing to waste

To type it all down from the very beginning isn’t enough. I not only want you to understand my pain but also feel it. It’s been a struggle to be honest. I tried so hard to find things that are conducive to my well being. Nature walks, running, photography, family, work, school, and really submerged myself into not thinking about taking my own life. But that thought always comes back to me when I’m all alone at night. It’s calling my name and pulling me towards it’s strong energy as if I am to float towards it. Do it. Do it! I can hear it in my head demanding me. I’m scared. I haven’t seek for help because I know I’ll be advised to do what I’m already doing-which is to find things that I love and pursue them. But I’m trapped. I’m helpless. No one can help me. The mind is a terrible thing to waste. With it we are invincible. We are capable of doing great things. We adapt to change and we move forward. But Not me. There’s nothing good up there. My noggin’ is a dark place where bad thoughts circulates. All I do is curl up and cry. What hurts most is that when my nine-year old nephew grow up and look back on all of his accomplishments and memories he will unfortunately remember me as the aunt who tried to kill herself. She said so in the car ride home after school. I’m sick. I’m disgusted. I’m a problem. And no matter how many times I’ve apologized to him he will always have that memory of me. I need not to be around love ones so I don’t disappoint them. So I don’t remind them of death and depression. I want to go away and try again. To live. To laugh. To smile. To be happy. To be genuinely happy. I want to feel that way again. But I’m drowning. There’s no more air left in me. There’s no hope left.

Living

What does it mean?

Living is evolving with time. It never stops.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

Live your life. Evolve. Learn new things. Go with the flow. Be at peace. Let go.

Take a moment for yourself. Prioritize. Have a peaceful mind. Believe. Give love.

Be happy. Be content. Live.

Kane

Kane walked from the distance and stopped someone for a light and as he lit his cigarette, he looked over to me and asked,

“Excuse me ma’am, you got a man?”

I heard him wrong by replying, “you need a light?” He shook his head and repeated his question.

I said, “no”

He asked, “a woman?”

As I smiled I replied, “no.”

He asked, “you single?”

As I saw him walk closer, my heart pounded. I was terrified and said,

“Yes, I’m single”.

He stood 20 steps away from me and asked,

“Can I come over and talk to you?”

My heart twirled, dropped, mixed with all kinds of spice, and burned sensation followed.

I was afraid.

I said, “not right now. Maybe later.”

He said, “alright, what’s your name?”

“Kiera” I replied.

“Kiera. I’m Kane.” He walked away.

I now regret this. I sit here alone reminiscing of what just happened moments ago. I would probably have an interesting conversation with Kane. I should have let him. I should have let him.