Living

What does it mean?

Living is evolving with time. It never stops.

Here today, gone tomorrow.

Live your life. Evolve. Learn new things. Go with the flow. Be at peace. Let go.

Take a moment for yourself. Prioritize. Have a peaceful mind. Believe. Give love.

Be happy. Be content. Live.

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Kane

Kane walked from the distance and stopped someone for a light and as he lit his cigarette, he looked over to me and asked,

“Excuse me ma’am, you got a man?”

I heard him wrong by replying, “you need a light?” He shook his head and repeated his question.

I said, “no”

He asked, “a woman?”

As I smiled I replied, “no.”

He asked, “you single?”

As I saw him walk closer, my heart pounded. I was terrified and said,

“Yes, I’m single”.

He stood 20 steps away from me and asked,

“Can I come over and talk to you?”

My heart twirled, dropped, mixed with all kinds of spice, and burned sensation followed.

I was afraid.

I said, “not right now. Maybe later.”

He said, “alright, what’s your name?”

“Kiera” I replied.

“Kiera. I’m Kane.” He walked away.

I now regret this. I sit here alone reminiscing of what just happened moments ago. I would probably have an interesting conversation with Kane. I should have let him. I should have let him.

The Hate we Create

What a relaxing afternoon. There’s nothing better than putting your feet up after a long day of work, a drink in your hand, and some music. I take a sip of my drink and lay my head back as the music starts to fade. I closed my eyes.

Earlier today, I was driving into the thrift store parking lot. It was packed and as I was entering, the woman who was backing out of the parking space turns her car towards me and yells, “wrong way! One way!” And I looked around and saw that it isn’t a one way, it’s a fucking parking lot! She pulled up her windows and drove away before I could get back at her. I was enraged. Upset of the fact that I let her get away with what just happened. It’s all I could do. Feel rage. It dented my day and every now and then throughout the afternoon I would let myself be reminded of what happened and then I’d feel rage again.

So I immersed myself with funny videos and eating documentaries. I browsed some more and a video showed up on my feed that caught my attention.

It was a video of a Caucasian man who’s in a wheelchair holding two crutches. I don’t really know what’s going on with his set up. Can he walk, hence the crutches? Or can’t he? Anyhow, in the video this man is telling the camera man to “shut the f up, talk f’ng English!”

Yes, another one of these assholes.

The man holding the camera calmly corrected him, “its speak English, not talk English.” Wheelchair man hit the camera man with one of his crutches as he continued saying, “I don’t give a f. Shut the f up!” The camera man then said, “I’m talking to my mom in her language and out of nowhere…” as this was going on I scroll down to the comments section and read even more hatred.

After watching this video I felt a great deal of relief for not lashing out earlier. Had I did it would only mean that I’m no better than this racist son of a bitch. There’s so many times that whenever I’m treated with hatred, or given an attitude, or whatever that makes me feel uncomfortable I tend to withdraw the same vibe and it makes me a monster. Then when I evaluate myself at night I feel ashamed for having acted that way.

I realized that people from other countries aren’t spreading the hate. It’s not politics, its not the media, it’s not business, it’s personal. The hate is within us. Yes, what we see on the internet is a contributing factor but that feeling? That urge to say something you’ll regret later? That’s not the internet. That’s you.

I opened my eyes and looked around me. My feet are still up, music still playing, but no drink. I had dropped it while I was drooling away.

A day to Myself

Today was very peaceful. The weather was great, the woods was quiet, and I had the pleasure of having a day to myself.

It all began at 11:54 am which is not a typical day for me. I’m usually up at six o’clock, showered and eaten by six-thirty, and out the door by seven. I sat up and smiled. I can feel the stillness of the room and the sunlight peeking through the blinds. I opened them and a heatwave of sunlight buzzed right in. It felt amazing. I’ve been anticipating this beautiful day. You see, most people I know get off work for personal matters like family obligations, appointments, running an errand, illness, vacation, etc. but I’m not one of those people. I’m one of those people who’s broke and can’t afford shit. I got off work today to do absolutely nothing. Like what Jamie Foxx said during one of his segment at the Tonight show with Jimmy Fallon, “staycation”. But I didn’t want to stay all day in the house. The sun was too bright for me not to enjoy it. I took a deep breath and exhale everything that’s negative. I’m determined to have an amazing day so I packed my brunch and head to the only place I know where I can find peace and solitude.

Being outside in nature makes people feel more alive, finds a series of studies published in the June 2010 issue of Journal of Environmental Psychology. So get out there whether it’s your day off or not, broke or not, I encourage you to visit your local park or hiking trails. Be at peace with yourself and appreciate nature.

Eunice

It’s Saturday. Woke up at 10:00 am. Showered and feeling fresh. As I turned on the music while brushing my hair I remembered my sister. There were so many occasions where I witnessed her getting ready and no matter what time it was or what type of day she was always listening to music. It felt amazing fixing myself. Lathering lotion on my body and putting on my make up. I felt motivated and I thought to myself “no wonder Eunice did this. She must have felt amazing also.” I remembered how I used to get upset because of the loud music having shared a room with her. Now I understand.

She has a mind beyond her years. Always went for what she wanted. Motivated herself and pushed herself to get to where she is now. I remembered how she pushed me to get a license but I never listened. It wasn’t too long that she got hers and people were saying that my younger sister drove way before me. She was only 19. I didn’t start driving until I was 22.

After payday she would say, “it’s time to pamper myself” and she would shop and go to the spa. I used to see packages by the door and it was all for her. Beauty and self-care products. I was amazed by how she prioritized her needs. Now as an adult I’m just learning to do the same. I’m all of a sudden finding value in these simple self-care treatments and I admire my sister even more for seeing these simple things as pleasures.

As I head out on this beautiful day I will keep her in mind, call her later and aim for a positive, peaceful day.

At Sea

All I’ve been thinking about these days is being happy and being at peace. I’ve learned that having peace of mind is vital to one’s health and I strive daily to only focus on the positive things in life.

Unfortunately, life gets the best of me sometimes and I find myself being depress and being negative about everything. It’s a constant battle.

So I find things to do that contributes peace.

I’m at peace when I’m out in the water. There’s nothing out there but my thoughts and my goals. It makes me look ahead of what’s to come.

I forget about the only world I know- the endless work, the constant worrying, the planning, the busy streets, and most of all, the people. I look out to the sea and see peacefulness as I feel the breeze and the warmth of the sun.

It felt good to be in the open again, to contemplate about nothing, drink beer, and soak up the sun.

Catching these was a bonus!

It was a beautiful way to end the weekend and gear up for the week.

No more Regrets

There comes many a night where I lay in my bed thinking about my day. Thinking about the tasks I’ve completed, the things I’ve done and doing it exactly how I’d picture it in my head. I contemplate at night and evaluate my behavior, criticizing myself so I can be a better ME for tomorrow.

I always find a piece of my day that I don’t like and that I wish I never acted the way I did. For example, I went to the movies on my own. The entire time I felt like a total loser for not having anyone with me. All I saw were couples or families sitting side by side and eating popcorn. I also criticized myself for thinking this way and that it’s okay to go to the movies with oneself. It’s like there’s two Kiera’s and they’re fighting each other.

My brain is fried from thinking way too much. For regretting things I’m actually checking off my checklist, for not having confidence for myself. No ones going to root for me but me. So no more regrets, damn it!

If I’m not alone, what’s your advice?